You would think that because of  my childhood problems my mom would be more lenient with me. That she'd understand, maybe even TRY to understand. Possibly even ask what is going through my mind. However, there is none of that.
It's as if with her it's, "out of sight,out of mind." I hope you know mom that with me it will always linger. There are those resurfacing nightmares.The ones where I awake in a cold sweat from the feeling of asphyxiation. Where my sister awakes beside me asking me if I'm okay and then helping me relax from the sudden panic attack. Then the next morning she asks why I am having these nightmares,cold sweats and panic attacks.
What do I say to her? A random nightmare? That's it, that's what I say. There is no way in hell I want her to know the truth. No way she could ever find out. Yes, she's my sister,but she's far too young.
That's why I keep it to myself. I know my mother would never listen, or just be quick to anger. I don't blame her I guess. For the longest time I felt as if I was at fault, but more and more I realize that it wasn't.
For awhile the dreams came back. The nerves of seeing a car of the same style. The sudden panic attacks while randomly sitting doing work and having a flashback. Yes,mom they were panic attacks. Not those silly "hiccups and swallowing at the same times stories that I told you". I literally stopped breathing during the flashbacks, then gasping for air when I came to reality.
Is the loss of breath due to the flashbacks,or a memory of similar nature? That I will never truly decipher. Not sure I want to either.
I'm sorry your life didn't turn out the way you would have liked mom. I god honestly truly am. Though sometimes I wish you would have seen life through my eyes at that time. You'd be scared as hell. No one should go through that. So in all honesty, it's best you didn't see life through my eyes.
Just please, I ask you...no i beg you, give me some leniency.God I wish you could read this,but then reading everything would get me into trouble.
Mom, I'm honestly a good kid. Yes, I make mistakes, and I learn from them. Let the leash out a little more. I will come back. I just need my time to be a kid. Not to raise the other two you still have left to raise. I'm not like the rest of them mom. I know right from wrong.
Ask everyone, do they ever see me without a smile?Rarely.
Do they see me helping others?As much as possible.
Do I listen?When someone needs it.
This is my way of helping myself, by helping others who have the availability of someone to go to, unlike I had.
I'm getting better,no, I am better.
Though I have my sister to thank, for being to young and taking care of me even without knowing why these things happen to me.
Thanks to Shelby, for letting me talk to her for hours with only knowing her for a few months and now,4 years later, my bestfriend<3
Thanks to Zach. For knowing all the stories and not judging me once.For loving me even with my flaws and weaknesses.





Vive Ut Vivas<3

Do I even know myself?

I honestly feel as if I don't at the moment.
This NHS entry essay has me so crazed right now.
Am  a leader? Do I have character?
Is there compassion,kindness,strength within me?
Do I give back to the community?
I can't even answer these.
Who am I?

Simply 17 years old, finding myself as each second passes by.

Born in Noche Buena,Mexico City.

yepp that would be the place.The place I hardly remember. Only memories I have are the ones visiting and living with my grandparents in their hometown. I try to hard, I struggle, I fall, but I manage to pick myself up every single time. Not saying I haven't had a tough time picking myself up,because I have. Though something inside my tells me to keep going. To not give up so easily. So where am I now? In the smallest town of Ohio you could ever imagine.Can't complain much because living here has become easier. Considering I try to get out of here as much as possible.What about school? Finishing out my junior year. Trying to get those good grades(I'm a tad bit of a nerd).Almost out then I can start a new chapter

I can promise you this...Don't be afraid to say hey or even just talk to me.It can be from the simplest conversation to the most extreme and heart felt discussion. I will be here to listen. Like I told my boyfriend once before, I have not nor will I ever judge you. <3

What does my mind have in store for me today?

I don't really know. Sitting at home doing 6 pages of Algebra homework over springbreak? Watching tv with my little brother? Doing the chores that my mother has asked me to do for 3 days now? I honestly can't say I have a favorite to start with there. I might just sit here and type, talk about life. Roam the internet for countless hours until I look at the clock and it's almost time to go back into that dream sequence of night.
One springbreak to myself is all I ask for really. One where I don't have to watch the little ones. One where I can go out everyday and not come back until sometime mid-morning. Is that what college is for? I hope.
Goal for college- find a college that is far enough away that I have to move out, though close enough to the boyfriend of mine. let's hope I even make it to college.haha
Money.That's my problem. I'm going to rely on every single scholarship I can get because I don't want to burden my parents on all the student loans or crap like that. I don't want to owe them loads of money by the time I'm finished and have them hanging it over my head as a reminder every time I see them. Once college is finished, I'm not moving back(or at least I hope I don't have to).I want to start my life.
Slowly build it all up to what I have hoped and dreamed for. Look at me, a junior in high school and already have my life planned out. Trust me, this planning started way earlier than you may believe.
A small comfortable house.One you can walk into and call it a home from all the family pictures and the tight put together furniture. Not one of those big ones that you walk into and automatically feel alone.No, i want nothing like that. A little kid or two running around being chased by their dad pretending to be the "big bad wolf" and screaming "mommy!" as soon as I walk through the door. Then getting countless amounts of kisses,hugs,and i missed yous.Then,returning all those lovable gifts with just as much effort.
A husband that truly cares. That I will know will be there until the very end.yes,the end. How about divorces? In my mind,divorce is not and will never be an option. Kinda harsh right? I've seen so much divorce in my lfe that I can't bare to see another one or even experience one for myself. That's why.
A junior in highschool, already thinking her life plans up. Remember though, my 20's aren't far away. I turn 18 in 9 months. I'm not longer a junior in 2 months. There is a new chapter in my life just about to start.
Let's see where it will be leading me.




Vive Ut Vivas<3

Look at your life

Are there things in my life that I regret? The answer to that is simple. Of course there are. Don't we all have some sort of regrets in our lives? We wouldn't be human if we didn't make mistakes. They each shape us and make us who we are now.Sitting where you are,stop and think. I bet every single one of you can list a few mistakes that you've made right off the bat,so can I. For me it started around the 3rd grade. It started by wanting to fit in and not be different, the feeling of not wanting to get made fun of and it lead on to keeping things from others when I knew in the back of my mind it wasn't right.

Walking through the doors of my new school I never would have known that I would end up turning out to be the one thing  told myself not to become. Having to be in a specific clique at school was never that big of a deal,until I moved to Southeastern. That's how the school worked,find the group you fit into and stay there. I was the new kid,the one who came from a big school and was racially different than 99% of the student body here. That made me weird.From day one I tried everything in my power to get everyone to like me, It wasn't an easy task to try to accomplish. I changed who I was to please the people around me, I'd end up making a certain group of "friends" happy to turn around and find out that others disliked me for being friends with those people

Changing myself or at least trying to change for someone I believed was my friend was one of my huge mistakes and regrets. I couldn't change where I was from, to make everyone else happy. It's who I was and at that point in my life I didn't understand that. The one person I called my best friend in 3rd grade would get upset if I achieved something better than her.She would get upset if my grades were better, if I had more friends than she did. She would basically bully me trying to convince me to change and stop being that way.So do you know what I did? I didn't leave that friendship. I thought I was the one doing something wrong. I tried to change. I let other friends go, just to please one, who couldn't even be a good enough friend to me. I didn't try as hard in my studies, because I didn't want her to think that I was purposely trying to get ahead just to be better at it than her. I changed, not for myself but for her. For about 7 or 8 years I let this so called "friend" make me feel less of myself so she could feel better about herself. It went on and on,until just this year. This year it all changed.Falling into this specific persons peer pressure was the top mistake in my life.

Being the new girl came with some perks every now and then,but for me, there were none of those perks.I was different.I was a different race than almost the entire student body at my home school.I was an outsider. Being an outsider immediately made you the target of all the jokes, teasing and taunting that immature 3rd graders did. Before I had moved to Southeastern,race wasn't a big factor in my life. I didn't see myself any different than anyone else in my classes at my old school. Though at Southeastern it's as if I walked through the doors with a sign across my chest saying, "I was born in another country,I'm the outsider,make fun of me." That's exactly what happened too, I got made fun of. That's a big reason as to why I wanted to be just like everyone else. Then maybe  would fit in and be one of the cool kids.I would speak Spanish to my mom whenever she talked to me. Even around my friends I would speak Spanish to her, until they laughed at me and told me it was weird and it made me a freak. I didn't speak Spanish to my mom around my friends or even at home. They took a part of me away; I regret ever listening to their taunting. It was a mistake to even consider kids like that my friends, when they wouldn't even let me be myself around them. Friends accept each other just the way they are. Well, my friends didn't accept me that way, and I wish I had never befriended them to begin with now.
            Entering junior high I still didn’t know who was I and was hoping that I eventually would. I felt like things would get better. In reality, they got a bit worse. I fell into a few more peer pressures. There are always some obstacles that come into our lives before things can get better. That’s the way I looked at it at least. I’m not saying that I don’t regret what I did, because trust me there are several things that I regret but I’ve learned from them all.           
 Everyone says that we find ourselves as we get older. Whoever said that is absolutely right, I may not have known who I was when I first started high school but this year I’ve found myself. There was no point in trying to act like I wasn’t smart just to fit in. There was no point in acting like I didn’t enjoy school just so they would like me. Even looking back at it now, I still regret acting the way I did. I wish that I wouldn’t have changed myself for everyone else. I wish that I could have known how things would turn out in the end. I do regret a lot but in the end I feel like a better person for at least realizing my mistakes. Catch your mistakes before you end up regretting them just as much as I have.






Vive Ut Vivas <3

This is it.

This is when I start it all. Tumblr just wasn't cutting my needs to blog.So why start a blog? There are so many thoughts rushing through my mind every second of everyday, and I can never seem to get them written down fast enough or even understand why I'm thinking what I'm thinking. I want to be able to look back and re-read everything. Then decipher those dreams that I can't quite put my finger on. I just want to write. I could write every second if I had the time.A perfect writer is definitely something I'm not, but I have hope that I can strengthen what I do have now.
So who am I?
Let me start off by introducing myself. My name is Brenda(:
A 17 year old girl who is just itching to get out of this small town. yeah predictable right? Well things haven't been as easy for me. There are hundreds of reasons for wanting to leave that I could state at any moment. Just given the chance to vent to someone so trust worthy and I could spill my life story. Get the chance to meet me and you wouldn't even know I had experienced half the things that I have.
I could even manage to start spilling everything right now, but I won't. We'll just let it simmer in your mind. Let you think and wonder. You'll eventually find out more and more about me.
However, I can tell you I'm the eldest of 3 children. Not only that but I basically sacrifice(d) my childhood for my brother and sister. Even though I have a mom and a recently new father. I love them to death..but being the oldest is just not fair.
I've recently found myself. I can truly say that.
I found God,fully and truly, this past summer.Yes, I still do make mistakes. I diverge from the path, but I find my way back. I'm not perfect, no where near that but there is Grace. My faith is a big part of my life and will remain that way too.
 I made one of the best decisions in my life, which would be to go to a Career Tech School to get further ahead in what I want to be. What is that exactly? A photographer, yeah predictable again right? Well, when we were all little and we were asked what we wanted to be, everyone replied with a different answer every single time. Though from day one for me a photographer was it. No lie. So what better thing to do then study in the Multimedia field at the Career School. Which is by far one of my best decisions in life.
Then within this school year I've come to truly find out who my real friends are and who will always be there.
I also happened to find a certain someone.yes,actually a special someone(:
That special someone goes by the name of Zach. The best thing to happen to me in a very long time. He keeps me together. I've not found someone like that in quite a long time. This one is special guys, I can promise you that. You'll be hearing more and more about him as I continue this blog(:
Finally there are my parents.
A single mom of 3 kids who has recently remarried. A new dad that I couldn't be happier with.
The relationship with my mom fluctuates more than the hills of a roller coaster. It's gotten worse lately but hopefully that changes. Let's cross our fingers and pray?
My dad, or recently new stepdad. The kindest man you will ever meet. I can tell you right now I'm quite close to him and he is way easier to talk to then my other parent, but oh well. I'm grateful that there is one who listens.
So what will this blog consist of? who knows to be honest.
It could become almost like a diary, or maybe a place to write stories. How about a mixture of both?
We'll just have to what and see what becomes of it all.

As of right now I have no idea how I will sign out of every entry. Maybe be the same witty sentence every time or a new one every time. I'm not even sure what it will be as of right now.

Vive Ut Vivas <3