You would think that because of my childhood problems my mom would be more lenient with me. That she'd understand, maybe even TRY to understand. Possibly even ask what is going through my mind. However, there is none of that.
It's as if with her it's, "out of sight,out of mind." I hope you know mom that with me it will always linger. There are those resurfacing nightmares.The ones where I awake in a cold sweat from the feeling of asphyxiation. Where my sister awakes beside me asking me if I'm okay and then helping me relax from the sudden panic attack. Then the next morning she asks why I am having these nightmares,cold sweats and panic attacks.
What do I say to her? A random nightmare? That's it, that's what I say. There is no way in hell I want her to know the truth. No way she could ever find out. Yes, she's my sister,but she's far too young.
That's why I keep it to myself. I know my mother would never listen, or just be quick to anger. I don't blame her I guess. For the longest time I felt as if I was at fault, but more and more I realize that it wasn't.
For awhile the dreams came back. The nerves of seeing a car of the same style. The sudden panic attacks while randomly sitting doing work and having a flashback. Yes,mom they were panic attacks. Not those silly "hiccups and swallowing at the same times stories that I told you". I literally stopped breathing during the flashbacks, then gasping for air when I came to reality.
Is the loss of breath due to the flashbacks,or a memory of similar nature? That I will never truly decipher. Not sure I want to either.
I'm sorry your life didn't turn out the way you would have liked mom. I god honestly truly am. Though sometimes I wish you would have seen life through my eyes at that time. You'd be scared as hell. No one should go through that. So in all honesty, it's best you didn't see life through my eyes.
Just please, I ask you...no i beg you, give me some leniency.God I wish you could read this,but then reading everything would get me into trouble.
Mom, I'm honestly a good kid. Yes, I make mistakes, and I learn from them. Let the leash out a little more. I will come back. I just need my time to be a kid. Not to raise the other two you still have left to raise. I'm not like the rest of them mom. I know right from wrong.
Ask everyone, do they ever see me without a smile?Rarely.
Do they see me helping others?As much as possible.
Do I listen?When someone needs it.
This is my way of helping myself, by helping others who have the availability of someone to go to, unlike I had.
I'm getting better,no, I am better.
Though I have my sister to thank, for being to young and taking care of me even without knowing why these things happen to me.
Thanks to Shelby, for letting me talk to her for hours with only knowing her for a few months and now,4 years later, my bestfriend<3
Thanks to Zach. For knowing all the stories and not judging me once.For loving me even with my flaws and weaknesses.
Vive Ut Vivas<3
It's as if with her it's, "out of sight,out of mind." I hope you know mom that with me it will always linger. There are those resurfacing nightmares.The ones where I awake in a cold sweat from the feeling of asphyxiation. Where my sister awakes beside me asking me if I'm okay and then helping me relax from the sudden panic attack. Then the next morning she asks why I am having these nightmares,cold sweats and panic attacks.
What do I say to her? A random nightmare? That's it, that's what I say. There is no way in hell I want her to know the truth. No way she could ever find out. Yes, she's my sister,but she's far too young.
That's why I keep it to myself. I know my mother would never listen, or just be quick to anger. I don't blame her I guess. For the longest time I felt as if I was at fault, but more and more I realize that it wasn't.
For awhile the dreams came back. The nerves of seeing a car of the same style. The sudden panic attacks while randomly sitting doing work and having a flashback. Yes,mom they were panic attacks. Not those silly "hiccups and swallowing at the same times stories that I told you". I literally stopped breathing during the flashbacks, then gasping for air when I came to reality.
Is the loss of breath due to the flashbacks,or a memory of similar nature? That I will never truly decipher. Not sure I want to either.
I'm sorry your life didn't turn out the way you would have liked mom. I god honestly truly am. Though sometimes I wish you would have seen life through my eyes at that time. You'd be scared as hell. No one should go through that. So in all honesty, it's best you didn't see life through my eyes.
Just please, I ask you...no i beg you, give me some leniency.God I wish you could read this,but then reading everything would get me into trouble.
Mom, I'm honestly a good kid. Yes, I make mistakes, and I learn from them. Let the leash out a little more. I will come back. I just need my time to be a kid. Not to raise the other two you still have left to raise. I'm not like the rest of them mom. I know right from wrong.
Ask everyone, do they ever see me without a smile?Rarely.
Do they see me helping others?As much as possible.
Do I listen?When someone needs it.
This is my way of helping myself, by helping others who have the availability of someone to go to, unlike I had.
I'm getting better,no, I am better.
Though I have my sister to thank, for being to young and taking care of me even without knowing why these things happen to me.
Thanks to Shelby, for letting me talk to her for hours with only knowing her for a few months and now,4 years later, my bestfriend<3
Thanks to Zach. For knowing all the stories and not judging me once.For loving me even with my flaws and weaknesses.
Vive Ut Vivas<3
No comments:
Post a Comment